This is what I looked like at a costume party Money doesn't make you happy Some people say that " money doesn't make you happy ," yet they continue striving to be more wealthy in the hope of becoming more happy. It's one thing to say it or think it, and it's another thing altogether to experience it. Money doesn't make you happy , and it doesn't make you content either. I remember getting to the end of a particularly challenging but satisfying project, putting my feet up on my desk, taking a deep breath, and realizing that I had it all.
I had the fancy million-dollar house in Mountain View where Google is based. I had a small mortgage on that house, but I could have paid that off any time I wanted. I had a house in another country that I owned outright. I had the luxury cars that I purchased with cash. I had the attractive wife at home.
I was highly respected where I worked. I had freedom to work on whatever I chose. I had a very high salary, lucrative stock options, and more money than I knew what to do with. But I felt anxious and dissatisfied. On some level, my striving for success had been driven by a belief that my deep suffering would go away when I had enough wealth.
I learned first-hand that once our basic needs are taken care of, the level of contentment and happiness we experience has nothing to do with how much wealth we have. In fact, wealth can actually make life worse. We can use wealth to distract us from our deeper issues by spending money on things we don't need, or worrying about losing our wealth. Life might also get a lot more complicated with wealth. I have become aware that I tend to worry about not having enough money in the future , and that this fear has been with me all of my life.
It is not correlated with my net equity or my net cash-flow. You can only help people to help themselves Instead of buying a holiday home at Lake Tahoe or a some investment properties, I purchased a house in another country for some members of my extended family to live in. I let them live there without paying rent for a few years. I was essentially giving them tens of thousands of dollars per year from my own pocket.
I later found out that these people resented me for doing this. They felt that I was treating them like children and claimed that I had not included them in the process of choosing and buying the house. They claimed that I had caused them to lose the favorable tenancy for a much smaller house that they had with their previous landlord.
They claimed that they didn't like the house that I had bought. Financially, I lost not only the rent for that house, but enormous amounts of money in currency exchanges, in buying and selling fees, and in having a very low return on investment. The whole process consumed much of my time and energy over an extended period time.
I used to believe that people were inherently reasonable and good. This process taught me that I should not assume that people can be relied upon, or that other people will necessarily receive from me in the same way that I receive from others. I learned another big lesson from this. I now never help people who don't ask me for help, and even then I only help them to the extent that they ask. I also look for ways that I can help that don't compromise my own position, and that require the least outlay of my money, time, and effort.
Duncan Riach There will always be someone richer than you If you equate your worth to how much stuff you have, then you will always be noticing people who have more than you, and you will always be feeling that you don't measure-up.
If you suffer from this, you're not going to get to some magical level of net worth and finally realize that you are valuable. In fact, the problem is going to just get worse. I bought a bigger, fancier house in Mountain View, mostly because I didn't think that my house in Santa Clara was fancy enough. I couldn't, at that time, buy the level of fanciness that some of my friends could. The trick is to figure out how much money you actually need and want in order to get your pragmatic needs met.
How much money do you need to live a reasonable lifestyle? Optionally, you could also work out how much wealth you need to accumulate in order to become financially independent while living your chosen lifestyle. It's also important to heal the wound that makes you strive to feel valuable based on what you have. I believed that I was fundamentally worthless. Through a process of psychotherapy, coaching, authentic friendships, and healing intimate relationships, I came to understand that I have a rich intrinsic value.
Others enjoy me just for my essence, and I learned how to internalize that so that now I can enjoy myself just for my essence also. Luxury is an addictive drug The frugal blogger Mr. Money Mustache tells us that luxury is weakness. Luxury is an addictive drug. Until we understand this, it has the power to ruin our lives.
I remember driving my brand new luxury sports car and noticing that my identity was becoming tied up with the car. I realized that this super-expensive car would wear out and then I would need to buy another one. To keep my identity, I would need to keep generating a lot of money. It was like having a drug habit. The car didn't make me feel that good, but the idea of not having the car felt lame. So I realized that I would need to keep having that fix to feel normal.
This process of getting the drug to get back to normal is a common experience for drug addicts. Also, tolerance to the drug increases with abuse over time. An amount of the drug that was once satisfying starts to not have the desired effect. We find that we need more and more of the substance or experience to get back to normal.
The problem is that, as the U2 lyric goes, "You can never get enough of what you don't really need. The more luxury you have, the more luxury you need, but luxury never really satisfies the itch that it promises to scratch.
Like an opioid in our brains, luxury locks into our survival receptors. The irony is that purchasing luxury, and being dependent on it for our sense of self and wellbeing, leads to us depleting the very resources that we actually need for survival. It turns out that having the discipline to live frugally, to invest rather than spend, to mend and make do, and to be able to live for longer and longer periods of time without having to work, are true measures of wealth.
Deeply enjoying whatever it is you're experiencing right now is the ultimate wealth. The people who are on the nine-to-five treadmill, working to pay for luxury cars to drive for two hours per day to and from work, are really on a luxury treadmill.
These people are addicted to luxury. Some people are very shallow I took a long period of mid-life retirement. During that time, I have been getting a PhD, and starting some businesses. I remember one time in my early 30s being at a party when a very physically attractive woman walked up to me, introduced herself and then asked, "What do you do? She instantly stopped talking to me and disappeared into the crowd.
I remember feeling really hurt. Thoughts of my worthless came up. Presumably, she didn't want to speak to me because I was a student, and perhaps she thought I didn't have any money. A few days later, after pondering what must have happened some more, I understood the irony that I was probably the richest person at the party.
I also understood my luck that she didn't stick around. I know many people with extremely high net worths. Many of these people spend their time in pajamas, or flip-flops, or shorts. You can't tell how wealthy someone is by what they're wearing. You also can't tell how wealthy someone is by how much money they have. Everyone respects wealth I can't think of specific examples of this one, but I do know that I've had a lot of experiences of people treating me very differently when they got a sense of how much money I had.
Having money seems to telegraph that you are successful, in a way that's totally disconnected with how successful you are in other areas of your life. I have also seen new-age kind of people talking with disdain about money, and claiming that " money doesn't make you happy ," and "rich people are assholes," and various other statements that show disgust for money.
Then, later, I have seen these very same people starting to make and accumulate money, and I have seen them consuming conspicuously and showing off. Money is so powerful as a symbol of choice and freedom that it's impossible for it not to galvanize powerful responses in people, and to create strong reactions. Most financial advisors know nothing I went to some financial advisors at a stock brokerage to get some advice on how to manage my money.
This pair of advisors, actually "stockbrokers," told me a lot about the marathons they ran in Hawaii before proceeding to advise me to buy a bunch of individual stocks. Over a period of months, they would call me, "We like Lucent Technologies!
I was a fool. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway. Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it. Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on.
Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage. Here are some of the signs. It feels bad. All the time. You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad.
You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you are eroded down to nothing. Sometimes you can see it coming. Questions become traps. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this. We all have important needs in relationships.
Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much.
Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Just stop. You always have been. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people.
Problem solved. The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are. One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out.
Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses. You and your partner are a team. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.
Physical or verbal abuse. Or both. These are deal-breakers. You know they are. Too much passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. Nothing gets resolved.
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